I feel like I have to write this now whilst it’s still fresh in my mind. Two weeks ago we lost my mum, it wasn’t a surprise. She had suffered a terrible disease over the previous 12-18 months and whilst her dying wasn’t a surprise, it was still a shock, heart breaking as it turns out, a lot of work. Luckily she left us with some partial funeral wishes I can only imagine how we would have got on with no wishes in place, it would have been a nightmare to organise.
My mum was a very determined lady. To the point she knew where she wanted her funeral to be, who was to be there, where we were all going after, whether she wanted cremating to burial and after where her remains where to go. Having this information made our life so much easier. What she didn’t tell us was any of the smaller details like what music she would like, any readings or anything along those lines. Not having music choices was actually a big deal that caused a lot of stress, for a week we hunted around trying to find the best music for somebody who only ever listened to the radio. Except as it turns out, in her car. Where CDs gave us the clues we needed to tailor the service to her. I really wish she would have provided that information in her wishes though, we all did.
Other considerations were also put in place. I can’t tell you how important having a will is. Luckily as a family we’re not really bothered by money but even so having my mum write down what she wanted made life so much easier. Having only found out I was an executor 2 days after she passed was a bit of a shock and having that conversation before would have been helpful 😂 But you can’t have everything.
Another thing that was a surprise was how the geography of the Isle of Man affected my mums wishes as well. She was always going to use the local funeral director, that was never in doubt. However with us all spread out as far north and south of the island as it was possible to get it made the logistics of organising things incredibly hard. Luckily the time off was not an issue with our employers but it was an added level of stress. I’m trying to write this from a practical point of view and keep as much emotion out of it as possible but I’m sure with hindsight things would have been done differently. Meeting with the celebrant performing the service to talk about my mum over the phone wasn’t ideal, I’m being polite, but because of the requirement to have somebody at the house whilst things were removed meant anything else wasn’t possible. Luckily my brother was able to be there in person but not everybody may be lucky enough to have that.
A final mention has to go to the Isle of Man Hospice. We are so lucky to have them and it disgusts me to see their funding being kicked around like a political football. If I could give any advice to anybody in a similar situation where you know what is coming down the line, it would be to engage with Hospice as early as possible. What they did for us can’t be put into words. I can’t imagine my mum in the same situation in Nobles.
Practical Steps That You Can Do
Complete The Hospice Advanced Care Plan
Complete Your Funeral Wishes With A Local Funeral Director
Create A Will And Make Sure You Sign It
Most importantly, speak to your family and let them know what you’ve done, what you want. Dying is difficult enough. I’ve not even really had the chance to start the process of grieving because the reality is everything else has had to be sorted first. From what happens with the body, registering a death, organising a funeral, emptying a house (don’t get me started on the deadlines with that) to piecing together your loved ones practicalities and life. If it’s taught me anything it’s that anything I can do to make that easier for the people I leave behind I’m going to do.